Don't You "Eff" with My Depression, Dad-Gum-It!

And I flippin' mean it!

Did you know that there are more than a boat-load of people on this planet? 

Really and truly there are, and every day some die...and every day more are born...

And every day a crap-ton of them suffer from this silly, little thing we call depression.

BITE ME, Ash--My depression isn't flippin' silly! It's PARALYZING! It's debilitating! CLEARLY you have no clue--you are just one of the "strong ones"...one of the "thrive-ers"! I am doing the best I can! I'm surviving!

Oh Peanut, allow me to be a little sarcastic for a moment--you see, this is strategic...right now you aren't depressed. You are pissed. That's a state of emotion that is a whole lot more empowered than your "oh, poor me, I'm depressed state," isn't it? 

Your damn right it is--and I'd be willing to bet you that you've been swinging back and forth in this pattern of depression and pissed off anger for years....so long, in fact, that you've become a Master at this pattern and you don't even realize you do it.

Now, pause for a moment, ok? Remember, this is me--that crazy, naked woman who loves to love on people...who LOVES YOU and wants you to see succeed and be truly happy in life--ok? So, put your weapons away and hear me out. Tell you what, you can even tell me to eff off later, and I will respect your choice. Promise.

OK--so back to the whole boat-load of people on the planet. Did you know of the BILLIONS of UNIQUE people on the planet, we all have things in common?

Well, duh, Ash--you really are awesome at stating the obvious, aren't you?

Yerp! I sure am, but I don't mean that we are all human, have DNA, are mammals, etc.

I mean we all have specific needs that drive us--and for each and everyone of us, those needs are the same. Sure how we go about meeting those needs are different (there are very specific patterns), but they are inherently the same regardless of race, religion, creed, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, blah, blah, blah. In fact there are 6 of them--but I'm only going to talk about 4.

7,166,730,400+ (according to www.worldometers.com/info as of 1:37 PM CST 7/21/2013)

7,166,730,400 people....4 needs.

Guess what!? You find a way to meet 3 of these needs through one action and you will become addicted to that action/activity/emotional state.

ASH! You are implying that that I am addicted to my depression!? What a pretentious, ego-centric swine you've become!

:-) Yes, friend...I felt the same way, but again, hear me out, ok? And if you don't believe me, look up Human Needs Psychology with Tony Robbins. This is his creation--I'm simply paraphrasing.

The needs: 

#1 Significance/Uniqueness

#2 Connection/Love

#3 Certainty

#4 Uncertainty/Variety

#5 Growth

#6 Contribution

The final two are necessary to experiencing true fulfillment in life, but we aren't focusing on that. We are focusing on those first 4.

#1 Significance...some people meet this through financial success. Some people meet this through creating something. Some people met this through having a family. Some people meet this through their spiritual beliefs or religion. Some people meet this through violence--I hold a gun to some strangers head, all the sudden I've become the most significant thing in that person's life, huh? Some people meet this by having a really huge problem...sometimes one that shuts them down to the point they can't stop crying, can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't function...sometimes can't fathom living anymore. Sound familiar?

Additionally, when someone challenges our depression, we become hostile, defensive, angry, pissed off--defending our right to be depressed...thus we are significant because we are strong, empowered, threatening.

In fact, I've heard many get the "YOU GO GIRL!" encouragement from others in this angry state! "Girl power! It's our right to feel!"....and thus we also feel connected/bonded together in this state.

#2 Connection/Love....most people settle for connection because true love means being utterly vulnerable and being hurt at our deepest levels, but lets focus on all the ways people meet this need for connection. Friends. Family/having children. Marriage--shoot this is a contractually obligated connection. Self love--for many women who experience depression, the depression allows them to let their feminine side out in a way that is socially acceptable in this day and age. Our feminine side--which we all have--is our emotional side. Depression allows us to feel again...feel freely...and cry..and those that love us/care for us come running to help with our really big problem...

Uh-oh...remember, if we find a way to meet 3 of these human needs (whether positive, neutral or negative), we become addicted to that method of meeting those needs. Much of the time, this is subconscious. We've just seen how depression meets 2 needs--connection with others who come to help us with our really big problem..ergo we feel significant.

#3 Certainty--here is where we know what to expect. Control "freaks"--these people value this need more than anything else. When we've created this cycle (or habit) of depression, we become certain (again whether consciously or unconsciously) that we can get ourselves into this state...and swing over into the state of angry/pissed off defensiveness when someone tried to challenge or "fix" our depression. 

....surprise! We just met 3 of the basic/fundamental human needs with this cycle of depression and anger....what did we say about meeting 3 or more needs with one behavior/pattern/method? We become addicted...

#4 Uncertainty/Variety--different "triggers" spark that "depression swing...as well as a variety of triggers spark that swing into "angry momma bear" protecting our depressed, little cub. 

Are you seeing this?

Are you having a realization?

This is a pattern--not a chemical imbalance.

You can choose to go to a place of hope, peace and joy instead of anger or depression...pay attention to the triad of physiology/posture, focus and language that you have to get you into a state of...

Depression.

Anger.

Peace.

Hope-fullness.

Joy.

How could you meet your needs of significance, connection/love, certainty and variety in healthier, more productive ways?

My friend, you have the power within you to change these habits and patterns...thus changing your emotional state.

I am here to help.

In the mean time, know this:

You are loved.

You are valued.

You are important.

You are special.

Your life means something.

For now, I sign off with love.

Battle ON! Battle BARE!

<3 -Ash

Getting Grateful on Thankful Thursday

To Be or To Be Cliche'

One of the things that continually sparks a sense of defensiveness and resistance with individuals that I've the honor and privilege to speak and work with is a truth that I push continually--medication isn't necessary to treat any Mental Health issue. Now listen, this isn't a truth that I've come up with on my own--look at the experts like Deepak Chopra or Anthony Robbins. Seriously--Tony can take someone that is suicidal and in a matter of moments get them to focus on something else and their entire emotional state changes. This change is only temporary unless the focus is a true shift in their subconscious thinking and overall life focus--which like any habit takes 21 days to truly "form", but this choice to shift happens in a moment.

I ask that even if what I just wrote--or continue to write in this post--sparks defensiveness or anger, that you continue to read these words in their entirety and allow them to sink in before getting angry, closing down this window on your computer screen or mobile device and walking away. Everything here is written out of love and something that I've experienced myself. As a leader, a coach, a friend, a role model--I'd never ask something of others that I haven't been through myself. So please hear me and know that this doesn't come from a place of judgement. These words come from deep within my soul--a place of agape love...a love that is unconditional...a love that understands...a love that nurtures...a love that hopes...a love that yearns for healing...a love that only wants to help. So, please know that if I was sitting next to you having this conversation, I'd be holding your hand--crying when you cry and laughing when you laugh...feeling your hurts to the extent that I am able.

Ashley--this isn't me! I have a chemical imbalance! That is why I am depressed... anxious... fearful... sad... lethargic... negative.

Friend, why do you think you have this imbalance? What proof do you have? Or are you merely trusting the words of your doctor, who most likely is just trying to help you, too but has been educated--for the most part--by the drug rep. who makes money based on selling the medications that you are on? Or the pharmaceutical company who makes money by you being on this medication so they pay marketing experts large sums of money to get you to believe that on this medication you'll be able to live life fully again and won't be so "wound down" like the doll in one commercial? Or a bubble that doesn't bounce and float in another commercial? Able to go out and be your sexy self again in yet another commercial?

Do something for me--take everything you know to be true right now, place it in a mental box and put it on a shelf somewhere. Just set it aside and let's talk about some truths behind how you are feeling, ok?

As a child I was very angry. Sure, I had plenty of reasons to be angry--"life" had dealt me a cruddy hand compared to the "wonderful" lives of others--at least lives that looked wonderful looking in from outside. My Mother taught me at a very young age that we have a choice to control our emotions or let our emotions control us. Now that was rather frustrating because I was very angry--and I took these words of wisdom to mean that I was to stuff my emotions down and refuse to feel them. Eventually, I became an insanely rebellious teenager that made a lot of choices from this state of self-hatred and anger that would have been very different choices had they been from a place of self-love, peace and understanding.

Have you ever been there--you know, in those moments when you realize you are in this position because you made your choice out of anger rather than making choices from a place of clarity? Jess Conner, Jen Brown and I have repeatedly. We laugh about the drama now, but each and every time we've encountered some "blow up" within the team, one of us has been angry and made a rash decision. When we finally calm down and talk, we realize that we love each other like sisters and were angry. Then we revamp the situation.

Now listen, anger is NOT necessarily a BAD emotion. It's what we choose to do with anger. Anger has sparked many POSITIVE actions that have literally changed the world. Rosa Parks was angry and had simply "had it"--so she refused to move to the back of the bus. Even Battling B.A.R.E.--I was angry that I was being swept under the rug, lied to and disrespected by being told I was "behaving like a typical beaten woman"--so I chose to do something that couldn't be ignored and got "naked". So, anger isn't bad-it's what we choose to do with that anger--and here is the key with that, anger has to come out in some sort of a cleansing process, but in that cleansing process, you need to truly get it out and let it go. Don't hold on to past hurts--hold on to the lessons learned, but don't hold onto the anger. Make sense? (Sounds easy, but please know I'm VERY aware that this process is the hardest thing on the planet...it involves pushing yourself, stretching yourself, forcing yourself to be the bigger person much of the time and most importantly, it involves a change in perspective and a change in the meaning we've attached to these events or people that made us angry. More on that later...)

Ash, come on...I'm depressed not angry. 

My dear, sweet friend--depression comes from anger. Anger is emotionally and physically draining--alas depression is born. There is another truth--where ever focus goes, our energy flows and in our anger, unless we are taught another way, we put these blinders on and focus 100% on whatever it is that is making us angry...even when we try the recommended "positive approaches" to "get it out" and "off our chest". Example, have you ever gone to the gym or to work out to "work out" your anger--yet with every repetition or step you are just more and more PO'ed? Boy I have...plenty of times--and it's because I'm 100% focused on whatever or whomever sparked this anger. I listen to angry "get back at the mother effer" music. I cuss them out in my head. I make all these mental associations that further my anger--unless I consciously stop myself and choose instead to change the meaning I've attached with that event or person and focus on something 180 degrees on the opposite side of that spectrum of emotion...all the things I'm grateful for. Believe me, at first it's HHHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD because you'd love for nothing else than to spit on their shoe or watch them suffer in some way shape or form, but when we finally realize that THIS mentality--this CHOICE--this FOCUS is toxic to our bodies, our emotional state and our lives...not to mention those around us whom we love dearly and would do anything in the world for...when we realizing we are creating and consuming this poison, we  see that  there is a much better, healthier and more productive way to deal with life. Who, in their right mind, wants to poison themselves or those they love and care about?

Let's take this a step further and look at all the outside influences that truly shape our emotional state...

What is the message in the music you listen to? Is it "eff that mother effer--they're gonna get what's coming" or "my life is so hard--why can't it just get better"? Or is it "I get knocked down, but I get up again" (yes I love Chumbawamba) or "I would walk 500 miles--and do no matter what it takes to get this done" (yes I love 90s music. *laugh*)

How about the television that you watch? Here's a challenge--turn that damn thing off. It is NOT your friend.

How about the video games you watch?

How about what you are eating?

How about who you choose to hang around?

How about the "humor" that you surround yourself with?

This stuff ALL affects us. Those sayings are true: 

We are who we hang around.

We are what we eat.

We are what we focus on.

We become and are what we choose to surround ourselves with...

Wait a minute....

Did you catch that?

That one little word...

CHOOSE.

Do you realize you have the power WITHIN YOURSELVES to change your entire life an a MOMENT and CHOOSE differently?

There is a whole side to this of taking responsibility for everything that has happened in your life up until right now this very moment because we all made choices that paved the way for or flat out caused certain outcomes. We can blame the event. We can blame others. We can do the responsible thing and blame ourselves--or we can just realize that we are human and doing the very best with the information we have in those moments and decide for ourselves whether or not we like the outcome of past choices. If we don't, we pick ourselves up off the ground, brush of the "dirt", forgive our mistakes and choose differently in the future.

We can also choose to change the meanings we've attached to situations. For instance, my father dying when I was 5, my being raped by 7 men at the age of 17, my first husband getting murdered, etc. etc. etc.---life is out to "get me", I'm a "horrible person" and "deserved" that...

Or...I made choices. Others made choices, and because of those experiences I can relate to so many people in their states of emotional anguish and help them to get out of this mud pit. Those horrible "traumas" have become gemstones in my crown of life allowing me to have empathy, a broader view point and become stronger than I ever thought I would be so that those things within my control will never happen to me again and I can help others avoid that same pain. For those things out of my control, I'm able to bounce back more quickly and realize that sometimes life just happens, but that my focus creates my life. Negativity breeds more of the same and this holds true for being positive.

So, rather than ramble on and on, I'm going to cut straight to the point with a challenge that I hope you'll accept and take seriously--as if your life depended on it.

#1 Write down in a journal or where ever (but keep it) how you are feeling RIGHT NOW.

#2 Take stock of the outside influences in your life--music, friends, family, food, etc. What are the overtones and undertones of those outside influences?

#3 Make a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for and why. This list needs to be at least 30 items long.

When you are finished....make a note of how you feel now. Keep that list of what you are grateful for beside your bed, in your wallet or purse and review it 2-3 times a day for the next 3 weeks. Add to that list as things come to you....I wonder if you'll find from this place of gratefulness if your emotional state and outlook on life doesn't change drastically. Try it even for for a week...I dare you...it's a better "medicine" than any pill out there. I promise.

With love I sign off for now.

You are amazing, my beautiful friends and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Battle ON! Battle BARE!

<3 -Ash

Bridging the Gap

Bridging the Gap

While speaking to individuals and groups, its astounding how many are simply unaware of the trials and tribulations faced by today's Military Families--specifically the Active Duty population. 

Of course, these special set of issues that are the day-to-day dealings of this sector of our Nation's population are my life--and the lives of my closest friends...my peer group. So, obviously, we are intimately aware of the Veteran and Active Duty Suicide issue that is largely linked to the improper handling of PTSD and TBI--otherwise known as the Invisible Wounds of this decade long war. 

These issues are so intimately known that they are daily topics of conversation within my home--and the homes of my "circle"--so I often forget to explain what PTSD and TBI are until I look out on a crowd or across a table at a coffee shop to be met by a blank stare. It is in these moments the fact that I'm a spouse of the LESS than 1% of our Nation's population counted in the "Active Duty Military Sector"--I'm most certainly part of the minority hits me square on the forehead. Even when counting the Veterans and Active Duty Service Members together, one gets a whopping 7%--still a minority.

PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and TBI--Traumatic Brain Injury, although known to the Military Circles (those serving and those who are avid supporters) hear these terms tossed about rather willy-nilly commonly in conversation, but what are they and MORE IMPORTANTLY why should that 93% of our Nation's population that makes up "The Civilian Sector" give a damn about PTSD, TBI and some measly 7%? This is key. No--this is the crux upon which the lives of our Veteran's and Service Members lay.

Early on in this relatively misguided adventure of becoming a spokesperson for Service Members, Veterans and their families--most especially the spouses--struggling with the aftermath of multiple deployments for both Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom, I realized that without the "buy in" of concern from the civilian population, the plight of this 7% would fall on deaf ears and tightly closed wallets and checkbooks...money makes the world go around, and the entire non-profit sector competes fiercely for a teenie-tiny piece of the "money pie", so why should some civilian donate their hard earned dollars to this cause called "Battling B.A.R.E." rather than to other causes that hit closer to home like breast cancer, leukemia, heart health, obesity or equal rights for all no matter their sexuality? After all, everyone has their cross to bear, and cancer--among other diseases--are killing people right and left through no fault of their own! I mean, honestly--we have a volunteer Military Force! These people WILLINGLY signed up for this--they knew what they were getting themselves into! My (aunt, uncle, sister, mother, brother, friend, etc.) didn't volunteer for breast cancer! They didn't CHOOSE this demon they are fighting, but those who signed on that dotted line to serve in our Nation's military certainly chose to fight this demon-and now you are asking ME to help THEM? THEY made their beds--let them sleep in them.

OK--first allow me state that while no civilian has ever said the above directly, each and every one of them have stated this much louder in their actions than words could ever say. Some of you reading this are getting pretty angry at these allegations. Now before you go clicking that "X" button, let's look at some facts--one glaring fact in particular:

If any other population was plagued by such high unemployment, homelessness, marriage failure and suicide as the military population--someone would be occupying Wall Street. So why aren't the military--well, they aren't allowed. Basically, they gave up their right to have an opinion (otherwise known as freedom of speech) to protect this freedom for the rest of us--and whether or not there is an article in the Uniform Code of Military Justice that says a Service Member will not get in trouble for the actions of their spouse or dependents--Service Members get in trouble for the actions of their spouse and/or dependents all of the time. So, if someone  wants to make a point and occupy Wall Street because they are fed-up with the way Suicide, PTSD and TBI are being ignored, they can't because it directly affects their livelihood. So, like good "soldiers" they put their head down, shut up and carry on with the mission at hand. 

OK, again--why doesn't the Civilian Sector take up this plight and protest on behalf of the Military? The answer here is simple--most of the Civilian Sector is clueless because they are so far removed from Military at all and/or they really have no clue about the true sacrifice of blood, sweat and tears necessary to remain a free Nation. Additionally, no one seems to have brought this issue to the Civilian Sector in a way that will have anyone buying in--guilt trips don't work for anything but making people angry....I can "should" on people all day long about why they "should care", but at the end of the day for human beings there is a fact: "It's all about me"--meaning ourselves. Everything we do in life is all about us, and until something affects us directly--meaning realistically threatens our enjoyment and pleasure in life, we aren't going to do a dad-gum thing about it. Fact. End of story--we are ALL the same. 

Look at me--it took my own husband attempting suicide for me to do something. Prior to that, I'd feed badly for those left behind...I felt "someone" should do something--but that someone surely wasn't me. I wasn't about to willingly subject myself to that kind of public scrutiny over such a controversial issue--nor would I donate my dollars to any other cause--oh and I had good excuses, too! We were dealing with being upside down on our house because of the housing collapse--like so many other families. We were an active duty family living pay-check to pay-check...surely these "causes" would get their money else-where. I mean, after all, we'd already gone through 3 deployments and countless training missions were we were apart as a family--some other family who hadn't sacrificed "as much already" would feel compelled to "give"--the problem was, every other family had just as many, if not more, excuses....

Bottom line--and a massive issue in society as a whole--no one wants to take responsibility. No one wants that proverbial finger of blame pointing squarely at them. Think about how we react when someone points to us in "real life"...we look around us and over each shoulder to see if there is someone else, and when we realize there isn't we respond with the classic look of confusion and a "who me? Surely you don't mean me."

Yes America--I mean you. I mean every Military and Civilian family alike. I mean each and every one of us--because if not us then who? No one--that's who--and we damn well know it. So stop kidding yourselves and let's take a mental trip to what we'd look like without this freedom that we enjoy and take for granted each and every day of our lives.

Freedom of speech would be gone and freedom to share information would go away, too. Only the select would be educated--so take away Facebook and Google, CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX, etc....the Internet would still be for the elite like it was before it was made public.

You wouldn't be picking your career--sure you'd have dreams, but they wouldn't be attainable because you just weren't born into the right class. You'd imagine what it would be like to make the amount of money you wish you could, but reality would be only a few would be wealthy. The rest would be struggling to survive--facing every day with uncertainty of where the next meal would be coming from.

Think about it. In fact, make a list of every activity you do daily. Once that list is made, cross of everything that wouldn't be possible without freedom.... 

None of these other "causes" that are out there would even be possible without that 7%. Think about it...

Now I'm not saying that the this 7% are the only ones facing issues. We all have our crosses to bear--right? But these 7% were willing to die for you to continue enjoying this freedom. They were willing to die so that you wouldn't have to. Is that something you'd be willing to do for a total stranger? For most of us, that answer is simple....no, we wouldn't.

Fact #2: We do have a volunteer Military and our Nation's ability to defend itself is at stake, too. Why? Who would want to volunteer to die for the freedom of total strangers when that person grew up watching those strangers remain unwilling to make any sacrifices and fail those that served before? Another easy answer...no one.

Fellow Americans, we can't rely on the 7% Military/Veteran population to fix this for themselves. They are struggling to make it every day. We can't rely on our Government to fix this--they can't even balance their own checkbook or are too busy fixing global issues to see what is going on in their own back yard. We have to rely on ourselves--like our forefathers who founded this country--we have to rely on each other and the common bond that we have which is this--no matter our gender, race,sexual orientation, religion or creed, we are Americans. Let's work together to fix this--

Think about it--the most effective treatments for PTSD and TBI are not costly. Creating jobs for Veterans isn't difficult--most aren't dreaming of becoming rich and famous--they just want to know they family has a roof over their head, clothing on their backs and food on the table. 

So, my challenge to you today is simple--for the next 21 days, do something everyday, to give back to that 7% of the population willing to die for your freedom. Do whatever you feel moved to do--grand gesture or small favor. Forego a Starbucks or a movie or a Big Mac--and give to those who were (and still are) willing to give their very lives for this country and for you.