Getting Grateful on Thankful Thursday

To Be or To Be Cliche'

One of the things that continually sparks a sense of defensiveness and resistance with individuals that I've the honor and privilege to speak and work with is a truth that I push continually--medication isn't necessary to treat any Mental Health issue. Now listen, this isn't a truth that I've come up with on my own--look at the experts like Deepak Chopra or Anthony Robbins. Seriously--Tony can take someone that is suicidal and in a matter of moments get them to focus on something else and their entire emotional state changes. This change is only temporary unless the focus is a true shift in their subconscious thinking and overall life focus--which like any habit takes 21 days to truly "form", but this choice to shift happens in a moment.

I ask that even if what I just wrote--or continue to write in this post--sparks defensiveness or anger, that you continue to read these words in their entirety and allow them to sink in before getting angry, closing down this window on your computer screen or mobile device and walking away. Everything here is written out of love and something that I've experienced myself. As a leader, a coach, a friend, a role model--I'd never ask something of others that I haven't been through myself. So please hear me and know that this doesn't come from a place of judgement. These words come from deep within my soul--a place of agape love...a love that is unconditional...a love that understands...a love that nurtures...a love that hopes...a love that yearns for healing...a love that only wants to help. So, please know that if I was sitting next to you having this conversation, I'd be holding your hand--crying when you cry and laughing when you laugh...feeling your hurts to the extent that I am able.

Ashley--this isn't me! I have a chemical imbalance! That is why I am depressed... anxious... fearful... sad... lethargic... negative.

Friend, why do you think you have this imbalance? What proof do you have? Or are you merely trusting the words of your doctor, who most likely is just trying to help you, too but has been educated--for the most part--by the drug rep. who makes money based on selling the medications that you are on? Or the pharmaceutical company who makes money by you being on this medication so they pay marketing experts large sums of money to get you to believe that on this medication you'll be able to live life fully again and won't be so "wound down" like the doll in one commercial? Or a bubble that doesn't bounce and float in another commercial? Able to go out and be your sexy self again in yet another commercial?

Do something for me--take everything you know to be true right now, place it in a mental box and put it on a shelf somewhere. Just set it aside and let's talk about some truths behind how you are feeling, ok?

As a child I was very angry. Sure, I had plenty of reasons to be angry--"life" had dealt me a cruddy hand compared to the "wonderful" lives of others--at least lives that looked wonderful looking in from outside. My Mother taught me at a very young age that we have a choice to control our emotions or let our emotions control us. Now that was rather frustrating because I was very angry--and I took these words of wisdom to mean that I was to stuff my emotions down and refuse to feel them. Eventually, I became an insanely rebellious teenager that made a lot of choices from this state of self-hatred and anger that would have been very different choices had they been from a place of self-love, peace and understanding.

Have you ever been there--you know, in those moments when you realize you are in this position because you made your choice out of anger rather than making choices from a place of clarity? Jess Conner, Jen Brown and I have repeatedly. We laugh about the drama now, but each and every time we've encountered some "blow up" within the team, one of us has been angry and made a rash decision. When we finally calm down and talk, we realize that we love each other like sisters and were angry. Then we revamp the situation.

Now listen, anger is NOT necessarily a BAD emotion. It's what we choose to do with anger. Anger has sparked many POSITIVE actions that have literally changed the world. Rosa Parks was angry and had simply "had it"--so she refused to move to the back of the bus. Even Battling B.A.R.E.--I was angry that I was being swept under the rug, lied to and disrespected by being told I was "behaving like a typical beaten woman"--so I chose to do something that couldn't be ignored and got "naked". So, anger isn't bad-it's what we choose to do with that anger--and here is the key with that, anger has to come out in some sort of a cleansing process, but in that cleansing process, you need to truly get it out and let it go. Don't hold on to past hurts--hold on to the lessons learned, but don't hold onto the anger. Make sense? (Sounds easy, but please know I'm VERY aware that this process is the hardest thing on the planet...it involves pushing yourself, stretching yourself, forcing yourself to be the bigger person much of the time and most importantly, it involves a change in perspective and a change in the meaning we've attached to these events or people that made us angry. More on that later...)

Ash, come on...I'm depressed not angry. 

My dear, sweet friend--depression comes from anger. Anger is emotionally and physically draining--alas depression is born. There is another truth--where ever focus goes, our energy flows and in our anger, unless we are taught another way, we put these blinders on and focus 100% on whatever it is that is making us angry...even when we try the recommended "positive approaches" to "get it out" and "off our chest". Example, have you ever gone to the gym or to work out to "work out" your anger--yet with every repetition or step you are just more and more PO'ed? Boy I have...plenty of times--and it's because I'm 100% focused on whatever or whomever sparked this anger. I listen to angry "get back at the mother effer" music. I cuss them out in my head. I make all these mental associations that further my anger--unless I consciously stop myself and choose instead to change the meaning I've attached with that event or person and focus on something 180 degrees on the opposite side of that spectrum of emotion...all the things I'm grateful for. Believe me, at first it's HHHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD because you'd love for nothing else than to spit on their shoe or watch them suffer in some way shape or form, but when we finally realize that THIS mentality--this CHOICE--this FOCUS is toxic to our bodies, our emotional state and our lives...not to mention those around us whom we love dearly and would do anything in the world for...when we realizing we are creating and consuming this poison, we  see that  there is a much better, healthier and more productive way to deal with life. Who, in their right mind, wants to poison themselves or those they love and care about?

Let's take this a step further and look at all the outside influences that truly shape our emotional state...

What is the message in the music you listen to? Is it "eff that mother effer--they're gonna get what's coming" or "my life is so hard--why can't it just get better"? Or is it "I get knocked down, but I get up again" (yes I love Chumbawamba) or "I would walk 500 miles--and do no matter what it takes to get this done" (yes I love 90s music. *laugh*)

How about the television that you watch? Here's a challenge--turn that damn thing off. It is NOT your friend.

How about the video games you watch?

How about what you are eating?

How about who you choose to hang around?

How about the "humor" that you surround yourself with?

This stuff ALL affects us. Those sayings are true: 

We are who we hang around.

We are what we eat.

We are what we focus on.

We become and are what we choose to surround ourselves with...

Wait a minute....

Did you catch that?

That one little word...

CHOOSE.

Do you realize you have the power WITHIN YOURSELVES to change your entire life an a MOMENT and CHOOSE differently?

There is a whole side to this of taking responsibility for everything that has happened in your life up until right now this very moment because we all made choices that paved the way for or flat out caused certain outcomes. We can blame the event. We can blame others. We can do the responsible thing and blame ourselves--or we can just realize that we are human and doing the very best with the information we have in those moments and decide for ourselves whether or not we like the outcome of past choices. If we don't, we pick ourselves up off the ground, brush of the "dirt", forgive our mistakes and choose differently in the future.

We can also choose to change the meanings we've attached to situations. For instance, my father dying when I was 5, my being raped by 7 men at the age of 17, my first husband getting murdered, etc. etc. etc.---life is out to "get me", I'm a "horrible person" and "deserved" that...

Or...I made choices. Others made choices, and because of those experiences I can relate to so many people in their states of emotional anguish and help them to get out of this mud pit. Those horrible "traumas" have become gemstones in my crown of life allowing me to have empathy, a broader view point and become stronger than I ever thought I would be so that those things within my control will never happen to me again and I can help others avoid that same pain. For those things out of my control, I'm able to bounce back more quickly and realize that sometimes life just happens, but that my focus creates my life. Negativity breeds more of the same and this holds true for being positive.

So, rather than ramble on and on, I'm going to cut straight to the point with a challenge that I hope you'll accept and take seriously--as if your life depended on it.

#1 Write down in a journal or where ever (but keep it) how you are feeling RIGHT NOW.

#2 Take stock of the outside influences in your life--music, friends, family, food, etc. What are the overtones and undertones of those outside influences?

#3 Make a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for and why. This list needs to be at least 30 items long.

When you are finished....make a note of how you feel now. Keep that list of what you are grateful for beside your bed, in your wallet or purse and review it 2-3 times a day for the next 3 weeks. Add to that list as things come to you....I wonder if you'll find from this place of gratefulness if your emotional state and outlook on life doesn't change drastically. Try it even for for a week...I dare you...it's a better "medicine" than any pill out there. I promise.

With love I sign off for now.

You are amazing, my beautiful friends and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Battle ON! Battle BARE!

<3 -Ash